Greetings and thanks for reading! I hope this blog may help some of you find peace of mind in knowing you are not the only one that feels frustrated, hurt, beaten, or rewarded being a Step-parent.
In a nutshell, I am a 27 year old step father of four, ages 12(boy), 16(boy), 18(boy), and 19 (daughter). My wife had the kids from a young age and is now 35. We have been in a relationship for nearly 5 years and married now for 2 of those years.
I have always had a great relationship with my step children and they are truly fantastic human beings so why you ask do I feel the need to vent? Well, when my wife and I began dating, I was 22 years old and a bachelor in a house with 3 other bachelor roommates. Our (my wife and kids) relationship started off (in my mind) as a passing relationship, that is until I began to truly adore my wife and her children. They brought out the best in me and I began to fall in love with the idea of being a married man and a dad. It never registered how much different being a stepdad is from being Dad, Daddy, Pops, or The old man. Being called a stepdad is hurtful. like being jab in the gut with disdain. I can truly admit I am embarrassed to be called Stepdad. But any who ,we decided to move in together. Unfortunately, I was some what of a bum\hippie at that point in my life and had little to no money (my wife on the other hand has an incredible job which she is incredible at.) We scrounged up enough money to get into a tiny 3 bedroom apartment (which had it only housed 3 people, it would have been massive). The 6 of us crammed in that tiny apartment for 2 and a half years. During that time we all got to know each other, the good, the bad, the ugly. I know most experts will give a step parent a list of do’s and dont’s, well I broke all of those “rules” in a trial by fire and I still do (wish I could have invoked trial by combat.)
The bio dad has always been a POS from what I’ve seen. Maybe he would call the kids or text them once every 4 months. Not even with the cliché of birthdays or holidays. I am assuming just when he was sober or not in jail. Outside of their grandpa I was the only consistent male figure in their lives and did my best to fill the roll of Dad. I dried tears, healed hurts, dished out hugs, I was the morning school chauffeur, football coach, after school chauffeur, adventure guy and damn good house dad. (I had plenty of time to do this because by this point in life I was unemployed and we were broke.) The kids got to see me and their mother struggle to pay bills and fight many times all the while we all maintained a very close nit relationship because that was all we had. Most nights consisted of the six of us pilled on the couch watching an “early” movie release on the computer. or singing and dancing in the kitchen.
After a couple years of struggling to make it to the following month we decided to make a serious change and I joined the military. We separated for a time so I could go to BMT and School before I returned to my duty station in the Reserves. Now, 3 years later my wife and I are hitched and her kids are now my step kids I have great contracting job and we have a beautiful home. Things were just perfect! Well from an outside perspective…..
As the kids began to delve into their teenage years we have grown more distant. I am not Dad or Stepdad, I am just Alex.
I have always been close with all of my kids and have more life experience with them than their bio dad, yet as the experts say, they will always take his side and be his kids. And they do. If he was a good human being and a positive influence I would still have an issue just because that’s who I am. I am ‘jelly’. The fact is he is not a good person. He has abused my wife when the kids were babies, drug addict (to each their own), has NEVER paid child support, and is constantly in jail. I once took my oldest son’s phone and read the messages he had exchanged with his bio dad and the conversation was about how bio dad had tried to fight a woman cop then ran from them or what he intended on smoking or BS on coming to see them from another state…..no way in hell. Not at my house. Now experts say to not become the disciplinarian but this is my house, I spend A LOT of money on it every month and I will make the rules. No bio dad here, ever. I am still trying to wrap my head around how they could admire him so much for nothing but passing on his last name. Now I know what the logical response is, “That’s their dad and nothing can come between that relationship.” I know. One of the many heartaches to assume when taking on the role as stepdad.
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